Category Archives: mama blogs

overthinkers anonymous

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Dear www.baby.geek.nz

You are a dear wee website.  You have given me a place to file my thoughts and preserve a gigantic number of links (* or portals to wonderlands of learning and discovery, as I like to think of them).

You’re a bit of a secret, though, which is cool, but there is this thing I love to imagine you doing.  Just quietly.  I love to imagine that you, www.baby.geek.nz, have improbably become a useful launchpad, catapaulting conversations between thinking parents and scattering chat among other assorted family-folk.

In a world gone bonkers, only you manage to somehow bring together a pot pourri of links that is JUST SO MY CUP OF TEA.  Which shouldn’t surprise me, because I posted every darned last one of them.  Beginning with THIS, my very first blog post.  Awww, cute.

I do love you, darling website, and I promise I can change.  Please, baby(geek), just give me a little more time.  I dream of a bright future for us,

love,

Me xx

End scene.

Anyway, I’m obsessing more than usual about these notions of communication and internet and purpose because last week I went to a Social Media 101 training day.   Holla, Enterprise North Canterbury!  Tumeke, Simplify & Amplify!

It’s all very fascinating, and I kinda dig learning about the psychology of marketing, and why people do stuff and how to get them to do the stuff you think they oughta, I am horrified by what my dear late mother would’ve called the Coca-colonisation of the world.  The blatant and aggressive enslavement of populations by corporations too slick and sneaky to be outfoxed.  Really, I think we should all buy less.  Use less.  Do more for ourselves.  

And the whole technology of twitter and facebook and all their chums is flippin amazing.   As a tool, it’s the way to find all the peoples who care about the things.  Nana over here has to do some work … cos I’d love to find some thinking mamas and I think that’s where they are and yet I FEAR the lure of the devices.  Both for myself and for all of us!

Pads and Macs and smart phones and regular (dumb?) phones … OH … behold these amazing ads from China about resisting the phone addiction FOR THE CHILDREN …

… here’s the thing …. I’d love it if we could all get the fact that societies of useful adults – that is, adults who are kind, competent, smart, healthy, capable, or at least not incompetent dicks – those sorts of adults are more likely if they were gifted responsive, warm, calm, loving care while they were babies.  There.  It’s that simple.  I said it.

Not just me.  Heaps of people.  Like Harvard’s Center for the Developing Child.  Heaps.

And you cannot tell me, not even for a second, that the brains of human young will be as effectively nurtured by distracted adults whose faces glow from their device du jour than they will be by an adult available to meet their gaze, respond to their vocalisations, and make up lame songs.

Ladies and gentlegeeks, I think we gotta unplug more.  For ourselves, and sure as the dickens for our babies.

I mean, I’m all for the flow of mindfulness teaching, (at school!  Love it.)  I am generally very Mindful of Mindfulness, but I can’t help but think we wouldn’t need quite so much mindfulness training if we just spent a wee bit less time skittering between devices and leaping between operating systems.

It’s like how we eat tons of fatty food and then obsess about weight loss.  I’m talking about us as a culture, not YOU.  Or ME.  Just all of us, you know?  Truly: if we did like Michael Pollan … “eat food, not too much, mostly plants” and then went for walks and did some yoga then VOILA!  Wellness.

Sorry.  I’m a bit didactic and grouchy tonight.  I’m angsting.

Yeah, I angst about encouraging folks deeper into the digital world and further from the juicy messy deliciousness of real life.  And yet I love the handiness of a magical box that sings the commercials of my youth and finds me amazing recipes and connects me to people I love, all over the world.

What the flip.  Modern life … I need me my online yoga before bed.  Love you, Adriene, my electronic friend!

Irony, she lives.

My kid is 3. Yes, I’m on maternity leave. Still. Any questions?

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I have had a baffling few weeks as a baby geek and a toddler person and an educator and a mama and a professional and a slave(!).

Long and short of it: we (people who are kaiako/educators for the Brainwave Trust) had been invited to update our profiles on the website.  I got a snazzy new photo and was keen to rejig the text, which boldly stated that I was on maternity leave, caring for the child born in 2012.

And it’s true.  I am.

And I’m glad to.  Happy to.  Privileged to.  Proud to!

So why was my motivation in updating said profile the removal of those words?  Just what it is it about being a FULL TIME STAY AT HOME MOTHER that made me want to massage that truth and call it something else?

Cos yeah, freelance writer.  And yeah, doing postgrad study.  But oh, HELL yeah – I’m a mother.  I’m the keeper of the castle and I care for my kids.  So why, even amidst the most pro-family and child friendly of colleagues, do I find it necessary to deny that title?

Full time parent.  That’s me.

Yes, three years on.  Yes, at least until she starts school.  So there.

But I chickened out.  Not only rejigged text but made the decision to pull my profile down altogether, cos it’s gonna be years until I can offer to help anyone!  But quick, before it gets removed, check out my fancy new photo!

That’s not all.  I had a gig booked, my first for ages.  I was thoroughly looking forward to it, had learned new tricks in Keynote.  Great client, juicy content.  Lovin’ life.  But then, little girl was sick.  Little girl was sick and husband was not in a position to cancel his life.

So guess what?  I canceled.  Gutting for me, but the right thing to do.  Cos when you’re three years old with a raging temperature and strep throat, what you need is your mum.

Yeah!

Quickly now, cos it’s what we do on this website, I will now throw a variety of links into your lap: THIS is Kids in the House, which is a parenting website like no other!  Enjoy.  I’d love to share this excellent bit o’ writing from Mothering about a new mother’s body belonging to HER.  And it’s been a while since I sent y’all to this glorious collection, but this is a variety of Policy Briefs from the Royal Children’s Hospital in Melbourne.  It’s fab.

Now here’s an interesting piece about infant temperament and culture, and here is a website from Arizona all about their initiatives to support family.  Next, a gift for new families about settling babies.  Yum.

Compare structured parenting with Free Range parenting here, and here is a very good thang from the Huffington Post about the power of home visiting programmes for changing outcomes for kids in poverty.

Finally, it may or it might not be the best kindergarten you’ve ever seen, but this is an inspiring TED talk all the same.

Big shout out of thanks and support to Jo, who organised the workshop I had to cancel, to brother Nate for always listening, and also to Pennie, who continues to be so flippin supportive of me, at home with my kids.

some goodies here

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Good morning friends & geeks,

First link to share this morning is a pro-breastfeeding piece, with a science writer from UK’s Telegraph suggesting our offspring will all be RICH if only we whip our boobies out. It’s gotta be worth a go!

Next: here is a link to an abstract from the Annals of Family Medicine.  Is exposing children to second hand smoke child abuse?  Have a wee click on the aforeposted link and see!  And this is another abstract … about disorganized attachment.  Such fun.

Now … this is a link that will whisk you to the Child and Family Blog and an article about how post-smacking-your-child-affection is utterly ineffective.  We’ve gotta resist the smacking at all, brothers and sisters.

Whaddya reckon about this … it’s suggesting that occasional video gaming is actually beneficial to children and their school success.  Surely, like everything, there is a whole lot of “it depends” at play here.

Finally, even though I do get mildly concerned when folks advocate a return to 1970’s parenting, there is definitely some good to be gleaned from this blog post shared with me by the Goddess of the North.  Just yesterday I was on the phone with a school mama longing for the days when kids just optimistically turned up for playtime without the crazy logistics involved in organising play dates, these days.

Kia Ora.

 

 

parenting … it’s not all beer and skittles

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Kia Ora y’all

Biiiiiiig week for this geek, had three days of lectures @ university, lucky to have a willing and able parent to step into grandparenting.  My dad.  My kids.  My heart is full.

In all honesty, all that was helped along by my having packed nutritious lunchboxes the night before, and by loading the crock pot with healthy goodness the morning of.  It’s that invisible stuff that goes unnoticed all too often, and this is why I am giving my trumpet a minor toot.

The invisible stuff of parenting is what I yearn to make visible – this is a big reason for my public adoration of Naomi Stadlen and her ‘mothers talking’ work.  If you’ve never read What Mothers Do or How Mothers Love I just reckon you oughta.

But then there is an aspect of parenting made visible that clearly rankles … the insistence from mothers of grown children that any acknowledgement of the struggles of daily life with young children is something resembling failure.  Last year I linked y’all to this great blog post on Momastery,  and just this past week my pal shared this similar sentiment from the Boganette blog.

For onlookers to rush to the “your babies are blessings now just be grateful” angle is MOST unhelpful.  It denies the validity of mama’s emotions in the here and now.  It denies the reality of life in the here and now (parenting can be bloody hard!  AND it flies in the face of what we understand from the worlds of neurobiology, psychotherapy and decent humanity … accept what someone is feeling.  Just let them have that feeling.  Toddler, friend, adolescent, man, woman, whoever.  Feeling something.  So there.  OH!  How timely …  This is one of the gifts from my university experience last week – brief Youtube clip about empathy that I reckon you’ll love.

Quick link dump then I gotta go cos offspring are plotting rebellion (in party hats).  This is from the Washington Post about the culture of caesarian in the USA, here is a paper about infant circumcision and human rights (which I’m not sure I agree with), and I wrote this a while back but had cause to find it again last week and I reckon it’s still relevant.

If the weather cooperates, we’ll be off to see Te Matatini kapa haka festival tomorrow. See you there. Smooch!

next week we go screen free

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profilepicKia Ora geeks.  Getting ready to turn off, here.  Husband is unenthusiastic as can be.  Big Girl is a little better.  Baby Girl will be deceived into thinking TV is broken.  She’s two.

A family’s prep for screen free week is described here, and this is from Psychology Today – some brain benefits of unplugging are included.

Whether you’re into Screen-Free Week or not, I reckon you will DIG these fab resources from the excellent organisation known as TRUCE (Teachers Resisting Unhealthy Children’s Entertainment).

While we’re at it, check out this great news from Brazil, where it is now illegal to market directly to children, and look at this primo follow up on the 1981 LEGO ad.

Finally, the legendary Lillian Katz is still raising consciousness about childrens’ early learning, this time cautioning against attempting to teach children to read too young.

dishwasher hums

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the gurgling of my dishwasher is a revered sound.  It suggests order, productivity, and rest.  All at the same time!

Today begins with a link to a piece on Pennie Brownlee’s blog.  It rules. I want you to read this very much indeed.  Here is a link to some research describing the physical pain of social exclusion.  I always suspected that sticks and stones could break my bones but words could also hurt me very much indeed.

This link will take you to a write up of research suggesting that playing with Barbie dolls could limit girls’ career choices … if y’all over there at Oregon State would apply the same rigor to exploring the Lego Friends malarkey that’d be great …

Finally: a few months too late for this mama but hopefully useful for someone else … how great are THESE – reusable pouches for your homemade purees!  I cringed every time I sent a disposable fruit-filled empty to the landfill.  But I sent them.  Cos my baby ate them.  (Sorry Al Gore!)  Ain’t that the thang?

perma-yawn

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not because life bores me, but because I am so often tired.  And as a mama who tries to keep away from screens whilst toddler is awake, (and cos smartphone makes me blind & squinty) i am barely able to return an email, let alone update a blog.

It’s all good.

This is so.

This, too, shall pass.

etc.

Links now:

I am a bit of a fan of Darcia Narvaez.  This is a collection of some of her writing.  Enjoy.  And when you’re done, can you let the folks @ The Age newspaper know that the best time for building resilience is during infancy & toddlerhood?

More soon.

relationships with time

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it differs, doesn’t it.  There’s the invisible flavour of time, the one that is perfect and glorious and akin to what we’d think of as “flow”.  Babies live there.  Toddlers, too.

Time can seem like molasses, slow and sticky.  This is big-kid time.  My oldest daughter and her perpetual countdowns – to Christmas, to birthday.  This holds the luxury of boredom and the treasure that comes from not knowing what time it is.

But then there’s time that seems like quicksand … she’s speedy and elusive and unpredictable.  It evaporates like a chemical in the heat and leaves you rubbing your eyes in confusion.  This might be mama’s time.

I ache for more time.  I long for more lazy lollygagging with my little girls.  We publish blogs for one another about how to unplug our lives and connect with our kids – but then we plug in to read them, and to write them.  I’m doing that right now.

I want time to connect with pals.  I want time to write, and work uninterrupted. If my children are magically occupied my work-from-home husband inevitably comes looking for me.

I want time for my yoga practice and for reading.  I would love to sit and daydream now and again.  Meanwhile, I flinch at the time spent cleaning house and love/hate my computer time in equal measure.

Mamas seem to have an equally schizophrenic relationship with time when they talk about their children – “when Joseph starts school it will be easier to xyz”, and meanwhile “I don’t ever want Joseph to grow up”.  A writer and blogger who I dig called Meghan Nathanson put it so beautifully I did the involuntary well-up when I read it:

I’ve begun to care once more about what happens outside of my familial cocoon. I feel a little bit like a toddler, though. There is a certain “push-pull” that I am experiencing. Some days, I wish for a more stretchy cord. Other days, I’d rather be nestled back in a dark room, rocking a baby into slumber.

Lordy, Meghan.  I’m right there with you.

And I’ve been reading (albeit reeeeeeally slowly) the beautiful book “The Blue Jay’s Dance” by the astronomically talented Louise Erdrich.  It is both a comfort and a hurt to hear another mother’s voice describe motherhood so acutely.  And the tension between wanting to parent how we wanna – how we oughta – and that discomfort that comes from an unexpressed self.  At one point she writes:

One reason there is not a great deal written about what it is like to be the mother of a new infant is that there is rarely a moment to think of anything else besides that infant’s needs.

It aches.  I ache.

Sorry, geeks.  All introspective and grouchy today.  Overtired, and suffering from the effects of day after day of nor’west winds.  The original inhabitants of my island call them Te Hau Kai Tangata or The Winds that Devour Humanity.

On this occasion, time cannot pass quickly enough.  Make the wretched winds sToP!!

two more sleeps

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Christmas.  2 more sleeps (*naps not included).

Despite the vicarious excitement felt by anyone within 100 metres of my offspring, I am feeling the tension of an impending mountain of wrapping paper, not all of which can be reused or recycled.  Theoretically, I want a Christmas of peace, togetherness and a spot of caroling.  I want life to slow down so I can eke out every second of this time!

In practice, it feels super rushy…  a bit like exhaustion, obligation, and more STUFF that we (arguably!) don’t really need.  Sorry.  A bit bah humbug tonight … none of it helped by a raging head cold that Baby Girl and I are sharing. I hope all is better where you are!

Before I head back to bed, I have a coupla quick links to share from Mothering magazine, which I adore.  (and if you’ve never visited their forum, the Mothering dot Community, it’s fab).  ANYhoo, here we go: a great bit of booby advocacy from a supermodel momma, and I just love love LOVE this photo series about ages of breastfeeding.  Thanks!

good things to read

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it is HOT at my place today.  The sun’s rays bounce from the tinsel in my office window like a groovy disco light show.  Lord, but I LOVE tinsel.   There is no such thing as too much.

I am supposed to be working.  I have five articles due in the first half of next year and I thought I would offer my future self an early Christmas gift by making notes and creating drafts on at least the first couple.  Instead, I find myself reading up on the concept of Productive Procrastination.  Irony, eh?

And scooting around online has led me some fabulous places this morning.  Here is a delicious piece from the fabulous Brain:Child magazine (of which I am a subscriber!).  They are running a blog series about “What is Family?” and I reckon it’ll be worth checking back.  Not in a procrastinate-y way, in an inspire-y way.

And this is a joy: super smart writing about Maurice Sendak’s Where the Wild Things Are.  You gotta behold this.

A couple of fantastic mama blogs for you all, too: LOVE this … Outlaw Mama … and yummy yum-o: enjoy the Variegated Life.  Imagine you live in Brooklyn.  Just for a bit.

You’re welcome!