death bed

Posted on July 26, 2019 by Miriam McCaleb

OK, so it may be a cliché, but don’t they tend to exist for a reason? Mate, we absolutely have to measure time with half an eye on an awareness of our mortality.

Yesterday I went to the funeral of a dear family friend. I went with my one surviving brother and my widowed dad, along with some ghosts. Two out of the three of us wore jaunty hats, and every piece of my outfit was chosen with care: my late mum’s jacket, my late grandmother’s brooch, a belt given to me by my late brother when I was 14 (it’s my most prized physical possession on the earth!), my stompiest boots.

In the car on the way to the airport, Radiohead. The beautiful song “Videotape” was made all the more poignant by my destination. The ceremony was held at a beautiful location, and this South Islander definitely took a moment to buzz out on the sound of tui from surrounding bush.

While there, I witnessed raw emotion. Respect, regret, sadness, loss, gratitude. And Love. Lots of love.

The music at that service was exquisite, and among our discussions my brother and I kept leaning on music to make sense of pain, grief. loss. How to explain my weirdly peaceful feelings about death? I’ll let Sufjan Stevens do that. Yes! He shared one of his wife’s favourite songs with a very similar message, albeit slightly more cheerily presented. Thanks Flaming Lips. Buddhists will tell you to meditate in a cemetery. Why? Cos an acceptance of mortality will set you free to be truly in the present.

“Maybe time running out is a gift” … so sings Jason Isbell in the beautiful song If We Were Vampires, with his wife right there singing too. (How do they not cry?)

So yeah, music helps, and acceptance of death helps. But none of that changes the notion that time DOES run out, and if we are to see it as a gift we have got to be deliberate about how we spend it. We must make it time well spent.

Which is why it was extra cosmic that the podcast I was listening to on my drive home from the airport – episode 4 of Your Undivided Attention – used the deathbed metaphor as it made friends with the concept of YouTube at the end of a pretty damning exploration of their ways and methods (*irony acknowledged: I used their links repeatedly in the sharing of my musical montage. Please: SWITCH OFF AUTOPLAY and DO NOT REACT TO RECOMMENDATIONS!)

The podcast hosts were wise enough to contrast the way a person might feel on their deathbed reflecting on the time they spent on YouTube learning to play an instrument (well spent) … but lost hours spent watching conspiracy videos, being led to anti vax nonsense or otherwise not noticing how we are being manipulated by asymmetric algorithms that “tilt the entire ant colony toward crazytown” … those are not hours we will reflect kindly upon as we warm our deathbeds.

I won’t regret a moment of my time doing Yoga with Adriene, I won’t regret watching this amazing conception to birth video over and over. I won’t regret the time I have taken over the past decade to play on this website.

I won’t regret time spent with family and friends. (Well, hardly any of it has been regretful, thus far.) I won’t regret any of the sunsets or sunrises I’ve witnessed.

And I won’t regret a second that I got to spend with the dear man we farewelled yesterday. What a privilege. Arohanui. x

screen free week aftermath

Posted on May 9, 2019 by Miriam McCaleb

Kia Ora lovelies,

I would have begun this post sharing the tales of joy that emerged from our week offscreen & offline (ie, LIVING LIFE!) but instead I must grouse about having spent the entire morning troubleshooting the problems with my referencing software. Little Girl only has a half day of school today (therefore I can only count on a half day of productivity today!) and I have done NONE of the work I intended doing. And she’ll be here in less than an hour!

SO FRUSTRATED. But trying hard not to stress out. Breathing in, out, in out.

The disconcerting bit is how the problem appears to be resolved, but I am not confident that any of my fixes worked the magic. It seemed to inexplicably right itself, just as I commenced crying/yelling!

I cannot help but think that the screens are retaliating to my joyful rejection of them during Screen Free Week? No, not possible! Does AI exist in word processing/referencing software? Surely not! And if so, did the sight of my sobbing form elicit some kind of compassionate reaction? I don’t know what to think!!

Anyway, friends, let’s share some links.

Here is a little something about how too many structured events can limit kids’ executive functioning. Let ’em play!

This is a link to join a free online summit about mindfulness & compassion at work, and this is another online conference, about parenting a spirited/high needs child, and featuring the magnificent Dan Siegel. Things we love about tech … right there.

The Center for Humane Tech has released some important info, this week, about the shared definition of “human downgrading“. Love. Not a moment too soon, my friends, as there are definitely downsides to our love affair with devices, and the hardware designers don’t seem to really want to support our paths to healing. SHAME on you, Apple!

At least there’s Moment.

Also, speaking of healing, I LOVE this approach from British doctors, prescribing real life stuff that’s good for the soul (I know I love my dance class and need it like medicine!). Thanks, Smithsonian Mag, for sharing. Unrelated goodness: using humour to share an important message about world overpopulation … endangered species condoms.

Here is an important article from “the conversation” about the loss of personalised school cleaning services, and the losses for children. I’ve witnessed this outsourcing and I say “Boo!” (as in: thumbs down, not trying to be scary!)

To close: I humbly share something I wrote a while back, and may I urge you anew to eat your greens.

making sense of the senseless

Posted on March 18, 2019 by Miriam McCaleb

My poor Christchurch, once again rocked by tragedy. This time we cannot blame tectonic plates, Mother Nature, Rūaumoko.

This time a human evil has been perpetrated, and I am one of the many mothers who can barely find time for processing the heartbreak, because my primary role is to ensure my small ones get only an age-appropriate amount of exposure to the devastation.

So, mamas, I feel ya.

Mamas who have lost babies in this tragedy: I weep with you. I cannot even …

The last time a weirdo sick person went apeshit with a gun (in a mass shooting kind of way) in this country, 14 people died. It was 1990. Not long after, one of my favourite singer/songwriters (I love you Don McGlashan) tried to make sense of insanity when he wrote this beautiful song: A Thing Well Made. He said that while he could not relate to the state of mind of the murderer, he could perhaps understand what it was to be a person who admired the design of a weapon.

I don’t think that even the poetry and wisdom of Mr McGlashan can create meaning from this one. Adapted guns with hateful messages written on them have robbed people of their lives and destroyed the innocence of our home.

This morning I tried for normalcy as i delivered some content to second year students @ university. Did I succeed? I dunno. I lived in the States when 9/11 happened, and at that time I turned to a whakatauki which translates as “turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you” …

choose joy. As an act of resistance.

love wins, my friends. A wise woman taught me that.

staring out of windows

Posted on January 21, 2019 by Miriam McCaleb

Kia Ora my friends, colleagues, geeky brothers & sisters

Summer is whipping past with the speed of a nor’west wind and I am finally ready to begin list-writing and the wrangling of ducks into rows as I contemplate my action-packed 2019.

Even as most of NZ has attempted varying degrees of summer holiday, there have been a great many things written, published, and shared. I will pass some along now!

I’ll begin with a link to the most recent webinar from the Children’s Screen Time Action Network, and here is a li’l something from The Conversation, of Australia. These are some lessons from people who don’t use social media, and this NY Times piece wonders what we could do with the found hours and energy that would emerge if we put our phones down for a year.

This makes me suspicious: it’s about the gamification of classrooms, and this piece from the BBC speaks to parents’ frustrations at the lack of ‘official’ guidelines for kids’ screen use. (Send the kids outside to play! It’s important for their eye health).

I’ll change gears for a few links now, because I do geek out about a range of stuff, not just the screen dramas. Here is a link from Early Childhood Australia about the value of music in children’s lives, this is a report from Harvard about an amazing study that uses a massive data set to attempt to tease out the impact of nature/nurture (“gene code or zip code”) on various diseases, and THIS! Yes, this is important. From The good folk at A Mighty Girl, about the folly of “he’s mean because he likes you”.

As a country girl and a lifelong wool fanatic (ain’t lying!) I was STOKED to read about this innovative use of a renewable resource. Oh, listen … full disclosure … I have been enjoying a vegan diet for a couple of months now, but clearly this does not actually make me a vegan. My love for wool is even greater than my love for eating a plant-based diet. SORRY.

Here is a piece from the awesome Evolutionary Parenting website, about why punishment does not work, and I also love the work of Rick Hansen … here is a gift of a piece about letting go of unnecessary burdens. Great timing as I work on a piece for my pals at OHbaby! about the risks of comparison.

This is a reflection from someone who often works with young people (they’re stressed out!) and LO! we have dovetailed back to screen related topics. Click HERE to read a summary of negative effects of excessive screen on children (and what parents can do about it) … you might want to install time-limiting software? Like this.

Meanwhile, GOOD GOLLY I think this is really, really important from Psychology Today … it’s about the dangers associated with ‘technovoidance’, that is, avoiding feeling the feels and instead turning to the distractions of the shiny and pingy. Oh, feel the feels! Please gaze about during wait times! Stare out windows! Be bored!

“Don’t just do something! SIT THERE!”

Here is a sobering piece from Scientific American about the cultural parenting hangover left over from the flippin’ Nazis, and I’ll follow that up with something beautiful, as a palate cleanser. Check out these lovely pictures from “the best shell beach, ever!”.

have yourself a geeky little Christmas

Posted on December 23, 2018 by Miriam McCaleb

Kia Ora koutou, hello everybody!It has been a challenge to get to the computer, but I did it … even if just for a moment! To the left is a quote I’m rather proud of – I have an article in the most recent issue of OHbaby! mag, about mother’s bodies and the need to care for ourselves.

My usual annual ban on wintery Christmas songs (White Christmas, Sleigh Ride, etc) is temporarily abated – it almost feels like winter, because the conditions in my kiwi summertime are so spazzy (hail, rain, chilly temperatures). So what the heck, right? I could try being, as my Big Girl would say, “all chill”. Not my natural state!

Quick link dump for my friends, then I’m off to help Little Girl clean her bedroom – how could a person add gifts to chaos in good conscience?

Speaking of gifts, may we begin with this from the LA Times, it’s the advice of pediatricians this Christmas. Just say NO to electronic toys!

Other useful gift ideas: I have made another donation to RAICES, which is an organisation in Texas that gives legal representation to children who have been separated from their parents at the border. Seeking asylum is not a crime! If you can watch that video without crying you’re exempt from donation, I guess (but you may find coal in your stocking on Tuesday).

I supplemented that donation with the purchase of ITMFA gear for those I love. These small acts of resistance make it easier for me to spread kindness and joy, which I will continue to try doing, because the positive vibrations will have genuine impact!

May your festive season be full of family and love and mess and tasty treats. May you play board games, go for slow waddles around the block, and have the opportunity for a nap … but please exercise caution if your nap strategy involves plying children with screens. It is probably oK just that once, but unconscious screen use is a poor long-term solution, especially if the kidlets are super young. And don’t trust the buggers telling you it’s all chill! Even schools have been seduced. Exercise caution, friends. Use critical thinking. Even some cynicism might be useful here.

But before we slide into Grinch-y cynics all the time, here are some lush treats to close. This is Fred Rogers’ Emmy acceptance speech from 1997 (LOVE HIM), here is a link to the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkley, and this is a TED talk from Ilona Stengel about the role of emotion in science (big emotions here: I’m still tearing up from rewatching the Mr Rogers bit!).

Enjoy this rare and magnificent treat: Terry Crews channels Bob Ross for a restful gift, and I cannot get enough of the Inspirobot …

Speaking of awesome advocates and wise folk no longer with us, I await the film about the late, great Celia Lashlie with bated breath and I send extra greetings to her whānau at this poignant time of the year.

Finally: if you are involved in early education in New Zealand in any capacity, please take some time this summer to have a jolly good look at the info about the ECE strategic plan, and make your voice heard!

Arohanui, y’all x x x x

A baby = she, he, they … NEVER it.

Posted on September 14, 2018 by Miriam McCaleb

A baby is a person, not a thing.

A baby is either she, or he, or if you’re unsure: they.

Never an it.

What the fork, New Zealand Herald?

super fast roller coaster, with a deliberately chilled out soundtrack

Posted on September 11, 2018 by Miriam McCaleb

Kia Ora e hoa ma,

What a day. What a week! A week in which the pictured issue of OHbaby! was released, there is an article in there that I wrote about our Minds … with deep and humble respect to Dan Siegel!

And there was this luscious bit: last Monday I heard (shout out to the hardest working researcher in showbiz! Tēnā koe, Keryn!) that Sue, Executive Director extraordinaire of Brainwave Trust Aotearoa had shared some goodies with our Prime Minister, new mum Jacinda Ardern. Well, blow me down … one of the three articles she passed along is one that I had written some years back. It still stands up, I’m stoked. I could barely be more excited … I long for some sit down conversation with Jacinda, and until then, this will do nicely!

I had a useful couple of meetings at university, I got a truckload of work done here in my office (aka my happy place) and as I type this, my kitchen is undergoing a long awaited massage! This means I am without an oven for the foreseeable future. Bring on the weird dinners!!

Also today, I watched the most recent webinar by the Children’s Screen Time Action Network, featuring the authors of the book Screen Schooled. It was all sorta energizing, kinda depressing.

HEY: For face-to-face training of a different ilk (love that word) then won’t you please check out this offering “The Approach of Dr Emmi Pikler in AotearoaNew Zealand” … I’m confident that anyone attending will be inspired, educated, and will find community. It’s in October, in the central bit of Te Ika a Maui.

A few random links to finish: this is Evolutionary Parenting, which I love, and one of the peeps on the webinar today shared this link, which is some interesting research dealing with how long it takes us to get back in the groove when we’re interrupted.

This is an interesting article from Mothering Mag, reporting on a study about how our workplace interactions can overflow into our homes (and it’s the kids who cop it!) . Speaking of kids copping it (!!!) here is a call for more thoughtful design in high rise apartments, and this is a most fascinating something from Harvard about sleep deprivation and subsequent possible effects. Nap time, anyone?

vive la France!

Posted on August 17, 2018 by Miriam McCaleb

Salut mes amis,
Kia Ora e hoa ma,
G’day mates, hey y’all, hello my friends.

The resistance is rumbling. There have been courageous law changes in France meaning that the children and adolescents there are being given mandated time away from the persuasive design of the tech companies that live in all our cellphones and feed off our attention.

Speaking of which, I enjoyed this trifecta of articles about Yondr, which is a simple and exciting option for creating tech-free oases. Yes, schools are a perfect place to be phone-free, (may I remind you of this report from the London School of Economics) but also at live shows (we should all be allowed to be one with the music without fear of some meanie uploading our gyrations & undulations without permission!)

Meanwhile, the Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood have sent this open letter to Mark Zuckerberg (if you know him, give him a nudge will you?) the Children’s Screen Time Action Network are continuing to advocate and agitate, which is just as well; because there are multiple layers to the weirdness of tech in kids’ lives, like how our distracted parenting can lead to bonkers patterns of child misbehaviour (and subsequent avoidance … the downward cycle of technoference, just like McDaniel told ya), OR like how our tech habits at bedtime are robbing our children of sleep.

(ah, Sleep! I love you so!)

Other stuff: crazy finding reported here by Scientific American, about the likelihood of women with heart problems dying/not dying upon admission to an emergency room depending upon the gender of the doctor on duty that day, HERE is a transcript to a wonderful interview with Ashley Montagu, and this is a link to an article I wrote aaaages ago, for my pals at OHbaby!. Love y’all!

Finally: new podcast obsession this week … Song Exploder. All hail Jonathan Van Ness, whose Getting Curious podcast led me there.

Podcasts. They are amazing. Put them on the list of things I do quite like about tech.

school holidays = best and worst times of a mama’s life!

Posted on July 10, 2018 by Miriam McCaleb

Hello my friends,

All is sunny and cold on this bit of my island. We plan a road trip, hubby and gals and I, business mixing with (what I hope will be) some pleasure. I am struggling because I really would rather my kids looked out the window, bickered and grizzled and “are we there yet?”-ed, but everyone else – from the kids themselves to my goodly husband to the lady who waxes my legs – insists that it’s oK to use devices on road trips.

Aeroplanes – fine. But road trips? Through devastatingly beautiful scenery? Aargh … I cannot find peace around that one. Not today, at least. Ask me tomorrow, 5 hours in to the 6 hour drive.

ANYWAY. Some links for the baby geeks among us. First, some shame and outrage. The current government of the USA just seem determined to be the baddies of the world. Not only did they oppose the WHO’s resolution to support breastfeeding, they bullied Ecuador like a bunch of corporate loving monsters. I want to be loving to all humanity, really I do. But if I had the chance to poke the 45th prez in the eye, I’d do it. If I could shove his cronies into icy river water, I’d do it. If I could push him down a flight of stairs, I would. If I’m doing the pushing, shoving and poking out of love for others, does that make it ethically OK?

NOW, in other news, here is a cornucopia of goodness from Stuart Shanker (who I have met, and did not push in a river or poke in the eye, but rather shook his hand) and his Canadian crew. It is a slew of resources about self-regulation and I think you’ll love ’em.

Also, a trifecta of resources dealing with the same thing: here is the original report from the London School of Economics, this is an article from the Guardian which summarises the findings, and here is a recent opinion piece which references them both. What are we dealing with? The case for banning cellphones in schools, and the demonstrated gains in academic performance that would flow from this bravery – especially for poorer performing students.

This is a piece from the Harvard Medical School which celebrates the work of one of their whānau, elevating the importance of mental health care (why, yes!) and this is a youtube video in which Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal theory (which is amazing, important, and brain-achy) is made most understandable. Enjoy!

by the way …

Posted on June 29, 2018 by Miriam McCaleb

Kia Ora e hoa ma,

Hello friends.

As we honour our pals across the Pacific continuing to raise a loving hell on behalf of the babies that are being caged by Prez#45, (truly: my pal flew from SFO to DC to chant loudly and get arrested. Bless you, thank you!), those of us in somewhat saner Aotearoa deal with challenges of different sorts.

But we hold you (babies, children, immigrant mothers & fathers). We wrap our wings around you. Crikey, I feel an Einstein quote coming on:

“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”

Life is holy and complex, as it is mundane and relentless. The clock is a tyrant, and relationships are everything.

Anyway, friends, today’s picture is of the most recent issue of OHbaby! magazine, which holds two articles that I am proud to have written. One is about Respect, the other about toddler development. Which are a couple of my favourite subjects.

www.baby.geek.nz

Category Archives: sadness