sharing, by clearing (tabs)

Posted on July 27, 2018 by Miriam McCaleb

Sooner or later I’m going to have to learn how to use some of the tools at my disposal. I can barely use my computer, I’m not sure I could even thread up my sewing machine, and I’m terrified of the new software I need to master. To reference, graph, and get my shit together.

I’m so mad at tech. How will I learn to love her? Appreciate the good bits. Get playful with leaning new software. Play with the wonderful communicative bits.

Like sharing stuff. That is a cool gift. Access to all the stuff. I need to share some:

Here is an awesome article (with some blue language, look out) from Esquire magazine, about Fred Rogers. The man is a hero. Apparently there is a new movie coming out about Mr Rogers’ life. If I was a diligent blogger I’d go find you a link, but I’m due at a school assembly, and my computer is running slow!

Very good resource here, based around Bruce Perry’s Regulate, Relate, Reason, which is some life changing stuff. Ain’t foolin.

Now here is an article from the Huffington Post, about how we are all checking our smartphones more than we know. It’s becoming apparent to me that the ‘checking behaviour’ is possibly more an indicator of worrisome stuff than just straight ‘time on screen’ measures.

school holidays = best and worst times of a mama’s life!

Posted on July 10, 2018 by Miriam McCaleb

Hello my friends,

All is sunny and cold on this bit of my island. We plan a road trip, hubby and gals and I, business mixing with (what I hope will be) some pleasure. I am struggling because I really would rather my kids looked out the window, bickered and grizzled and “are we there yet?”-ed, but everyone else – from the kids themselves to my goodly husband to the lady who waxes my legs – insists that it’s oK to use devices on road trips.

Aeroplanes – fine. But road trips? Through devastatingly beautiful scenery? Aargh … I cannot find peace around that one. Not today, at least. Ask me tomorrow, 5 hours in to the 6 hour drive.

ANYWAY. Some links for the baby geeks among us. First, some shame and outrage. The current government of the USA just seem determined to be the baddies of the world. Not only did they oppose the WHO’s resolution to support breastfeeding, they bullied Ecuador like a bunch of corporate loving monsters. I want to be loving to all humanity, really I do. But if I had the chance to poke the 45th prez in the eye, I’d do it. If I could shove his cronies into icy river water, I’d do it. If I could push him down a flight of stairs, I would. If I’m doing the pushing, shoving and poking out of love for others, does that make it ethically OK?

NOW, in other news, here is a cornucopia of goodness from Stuart Shanker (who I have met, and did not push in a river or poke in the eye, but rather shook his hand) and his Canadian crew. It is a slew of resources about self-regulation and I think you’ll love ’em.

Also, a trifecta of resources dealing with the same thing: here is the original report from the London School of Economics, this is an article from the Guardian which summarises the findings, and here is a recent opinion piece which references them both. What are we dealing with? The case for banning cellphones in schools, and the demonstrated gains in academic performance that would flow from this bravery – especially for poorer performing students.

This is a piece from the Harvard Medical School which celebrates the work of one of their whānau, elevating the importance of mental health care (why, yes!) and this is a youtube video in which Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal theory (which is amazing, important, and brain-achy) is made most understandable. Enjoy!

BYO sunshine, outrage, action & poetry

Posted on June 25, 2018 by Miriam McCaleb

Kia Ora ladies and gentlegeeks,

Warm soup and winter sunshine. What a joy it is to be alive when you’re fortunate in the birth lottery (yay, NZ in the 70’s! Yay! Thanks Papatuanuku!) but jeepers, mate, there is lameness and horror a-plenty. I was just crapping on to my big brother over coffee a few days back about how if we could just ask all scenarios an overarching question (be the scenario designing a town hall, or prioritising health funding, or creating immigration policy) all would shift.

The question:
What would this mean for babies?

Whatever it is. Going for a walk. Approving an irrigation scheme. Consent processes and elected officials would all have to prove how their decisions impact babies. Most parents are pretty good at considering how their decisions impact their own babies (“if we stay for dinner, what does that mean for our bedtime routine?”), so we must now all consciously expand to our infuse all our decisions, large and small, with babyhood.

Because if it’s good for babies, it’s good for everyone (friends! You know why! Because attachment and neurobiology and human potential. Because overstimulation and pace and wellbeing. That’s why!

The only group I can think of who will suffer if we truly prioritise infant wellbeing are those with financial interests in selling nonsense to babies’ families.

And they can stuff off, anyway.

We have a rare opportunity here, because our Prime Minister just gave birth to her first child. Well done, Jacinda! And now you get to view decisions large and small through a lens you didn’t even know existed. None of us knew, till we knew. Welcome. Nau mai, haere mai. Welcome, Baby Neve, to the world. And welcome, Jacinda, to motherhood.

a wildly satisfying life!

Posted on May 14, 2018 by Miriam McCaleb

What’s up party people? Kia Ora te whānau!

I have just committed an act which could be described as mildly rebellious OR exceptionally sensible, depending upon yer point of view. When I could have (should have?) been hitting the books I was, instead, undulating my spine with the exceptional Kelle Rae Oien, who has been in NZ teaching. How lucky am I!?! Such joy. So sweaty!

I adore her language when she expresses her desire for her students to live lives that are wildly satisfying. Wildly satisfying! I dig that contrast. It’s like … passionately content. Enthusiastically calm. Playfully satiated. Wildly satisfying. Yeah, imma keep that one!

What else? Just had mother’s day … probably a good time to share this excellent article from Harper’s Bazaar about emotional labour (aka invisible labour, aka mental load, aka kin keeping). Oh, young women, study before you procreate! The mental and practical energy that it takes to keep the home fires burning while you’re committing the audacious act of betterment is something that you cannot possibly know, yet.

Casserole, school trip, reference list. Dishes, flu shots, literature review. Wha …?

Now, some links. Let’s clear a few tabs before I do battle with the referencing software. I know, I know, that is NOT the attitude. Not doing battle with, playing with! I’ll play with it…

First … here is an article that freaked me right out. It’s about the ways that millennial parents are raising their children. I could weep. The needs of human infants have not changed, just cos our technology has. Interesting that the writer acknowledges the longing that “parennials” (millennial parents, apparently) have for simpler times.

Meanwhile, from the Atlantic, another look at the tech habits of parents. This deserves multiple and repeated reads, cos I tell you what, it’ll take you to some terrifying places. Like this and this.

And you know the bit that kills me, crazy baby lady that I am? There is this cyclic thing going on, where new motherhood seems “boring”, and sure enough the literature points to women going online (eg during the intimate act of breastfeeding) because they are bored and seeking distraction. But by succumbing to the distraction, mothers aren’t practicing SEEING their babies. Really seeing them. And we know that with older kids, the distraction leads to child misbehaviour, which leads to parental dissatisfaction, which makes a big’ol’ downward spiral of technoference.

Boredom? What would happen if we could sit quietly with that, and even lean into it. Incredible things happen when we let ourselves just go with the tricky things that motherhood offers us – even exhaustion! (My struggles with describing invisible labour – what do those struggles offer me? I’ll report back!)

I remember when my girls were babies, (1 pre-, 1 post- smartphone) people would confess to being bored/lonely at home with their infants, and I would think that if they could only see their babies as the exceptional scientists, sociologists and artists that they are, and if we honoured the power of home visiting as transformative in the lives of families, then mamas would be neither bored nor lonely. There is something afoot with our culture that we deny so many people the chance to KNOW babies before they become parents themselves, then we physically isolate new mothers (now with a damaging tool for adult communication/distraction at their fingertips) and all the while we radically undervalue infants (and therefore parents).

Anyway, I gotta get dinner sorted before school pick up. We do a Meat Free Monday, and I try and make it extra delicious, so my omnivorous family won’t grouse. Also, it’s swimming lesson day for little girl, so time’s a-wasting.

Quick round up of the tabs I need to clear … an article from NZ’s Stuff website about the Modern Learning Experiment. I’m far from convinced, especially about the “screens for all!” attitude of it all. A couple more things about schools: this from Sir Ken Robinson (oh, hell yes! Dance is as important as mathematics!) and I would also like to share a quote that has been rocking my world:

“We’ve bought into the idea that education is about training and “success”, defined monetarily, rather than learning to think critically and to challenge. We should not forget that the true purpose of education is to make minds, not careers. A culture that does not grasp the vital interplay between morality and power, which mistakes management techniques for wisdom, which fails to understand that the measure of a civilization is its compassion, not its speed or ability to consume, condemns itself to death.”

― Chris Hedges, Empire of Illusion: The End of Literacy and the Triumph of Spectacle

LOVE THAT.

For no good reason, read about an inspiring, alternative method of farming, here. Here is a gorgeous blog post about childrens’ spontaneous singing , and finally, an article from Mothering magazine, about missing your mother. I posted a comment at the end of the piece which I’m kinda disappointed the author hasn’t acknowledged. Maybe she doesn’t know how to. I will keep a compassionate heart. But only just.

quick and squinty

Posted on May 3, 2018 by Miriam McCaleb

Geeks!

I have a bit of a headache and I suspect tech use is not helping. Eyes are unhappy, so I’ll make this snappy. Damn, I’m poetic under pressure!

K: so, let’s begin and end with podcasts, shall we? The first one I have listened to already – it’s good. From the Urban Monk podcast, with our new pal Dr. Freed. IT was a response to this awesome article on Medium, which we’ve linked to previous like.

While we are reviewing the need for caution around familial tech use, check out this article from the Atlantic, wondering how much we know about the tech habits of parents. I’ve been doing a TON of reading on this very topic, now that I have university library privileges (WHOOP!! WHOOP!!).

This is why we are joining in on Screen Free Week – at least some family members are. We just seem to need to be reminded about other stuff we love doing. Lego! Cross stitch! Playing guitar!

I get the irony that I am online posting this during said week, but I’m at least trying to clear tabs before children return home. And this is not entirely entertainment media. So there.

Here is an article from Scientific American about implicit bias (cos, why not?) and this is a link to an abstract for a paper about doing postgrad study with a title that made me smile.

And check out the smartypants commenter on this article from Mothering magazine. Oh wait, that’s me …

While we’re talking parental leave and Mothering mag, here is an article about the attitudes of women around the world maternity leave laws in the US. Mate. I shake my head. If a culture isn’t cherishing mamas and babies, that is called Devolution.

Finally, to get us back on track, behold the wisdom and wonder of Dr. Dan Siegel, interviewed here on the Doctor Paradox podcast. This is the one I haven’t listened to yet, but will tend to that tomorrow during school hours! Thanks to the lovely Dr. C for this link.

becoming my own wife

Posted on April 12, 2018 by Miriam McCaleb

Kia Ora my lovelies,

This beautiful picture accompanies an article I wrote for the fine folk at Family Times magazine. The article can be found here, I hope you will enjoy it.

It’s very, very cold in NZ this week. Autumn just decided to be Winter, for a few days. We have had snow, sleet and gales and we’ve all busted out our puffy jackets. At my house, I’ve relocated my laptop from my office (separate building, poorly insulated and fairly freezing) to the main abode. Here I can keep a potbelly stove alight in the kitchen, and just now I lit the main firebox in the living room as well. I know! Bad ass!

I do this despite knowing I have electric forms of heat available, but my rural setting gives me permission to burn wood freely, and my state of self-wifing means I delight in performing these loving acts of care and nurture. When I gather yet another heavy basket full of firewood, I do it as an act of love. When I empty ashes a la Cinderella, it is as a gift to my future self. As I vaccuum the inevitable trail of wood bits and sawdust, it is because I recognise my own right to pass the evening without crap stuck to my socks.

For weeks (years!) I have been grousing about my lack of a wife, (I know, greedy … because I want to keep my husband …) and sometimes I’m fairly jealous of my husband, because he has one. So I’ve decided to imagine that I am my own wife. In contrast to lots of the thinking I usually do about Self (or lack thereof!) I am mucking around with the notion of compartmentalising my time – here I am at my desk, researching and writing. Here I am folding a load of towels just so, so desk-self doesn’t have to worry about that domestic task. Worker me, wifely me. Both equally valuable.

Righty ho … I will now do the baby geek thang, and that is to share a variety of interesting links with you.

First, a news report about some important research highlighting the way that parental distraction by cell phones interrupts a child’s language learning abilities. YIKES. Tech is a risk to children in other ways, tooski, like YouTube stealing childrens’ data. Classy.

Next, a TED talk about neuroplasticity, and LOOK! The Royal Children’s Hospital in Melbourne has issued another of their excellent Policy Briefs, this one about the first 1000 days of a child’s life.

Now an article from Scientific American, about being a scientist and a mother at the same time (I know, radical!) and that led to this piece by the same author about conferences and provision for breastfeeding mothers.

Here is a blog post advocating for sane social media policy in schools … love it. I want to quote a paragraph from this and ask you to substitute”Social media”, “Facebook” and “tweet” in the following with “SeeSaw”, which is an app showing up in schools and EC centres in NZ. I’m not a fan. (I’m also not a fan of an education strategy which aims to put digital devices in the hands of all 6 year olds, but I’ll save that convo for another day).

Here goes:

Finally, when teachers or administrators are using social media in the classroom or at school activities, it models the addictive, life-negating behavior that we don’t want our kids to emulate. If teachers are looking for social media opportunities during the school day, then they are being distracted from the face-to-face, in-person contact that defines classroom education. Taking a selfie with a student, however well-meaning, conveys that the moment is less significant than the Tweet. Sad. I want my kid to feel that what she’s accomplished in class matters in its own right, even if it is not posted to Facebook!

I know plenty of y’all are keen on SeeSaw, and will disagree with me, and that’s OK … let’s discuss.

the stress of abundance

Posted on March 20, 2018 by Miriam McCaleb

Kia ora te whānau. What’s up?

This time of the year is achingly beautiful … clear, calm blue skies and leaves just beginning to colour. But holy ravioli I feel the pressure to make good use of the masses of fruit and produce. Corn, beets, peaches, apples, beans, tomatoes, pears, zucchini (aka courgettes). All that. I’m cooking and gifting and breathing deep.

The gorgeousness is tinged with the awareness that winter is gearing up, which makes these indoor jobs more difficult. Office – as much as I love you, I just long to be pottering outside with the sun on my back! Weeding, watering, hanging washing. Whatever.

Soon enough, self. Soon enough.

Meanwhile, let me throw some links your way. See what speaks to you, where your head’s at. Mine has been expanding – creaking and groaning as I ask it to perform new and different tasks. After years perfecting speedy task-switching (tending to the interruptions of childhood and honing skills of responding to everchanging needs) I’ve been attempting to sit quietly and think deeply. IT IS HAAAAAAARD.

So what a treat to end this posting moment with a flurry of quick thoughts (this is a comfy place!)

First up – I don’t think I’ve shared this yet. It is excellent viewing, well worth your time. It’s another webinar from the fine folk at the Children’s Screen Time Action Network, this one calling attention to the way that the burden of tech overuse seems to sit disproportionately on the shoulders of families at the lower end of the socioeconomic spectrum. OUCH.

Now an article from the Washington Post urging us to stop spreading Math Anxiety. Speak your love numbers and all the dances they perform!

This is interesting, from MIT. It’s an indepth look at language development and the researchers use brain scans to draw attention to the ways that interactional back-and-forth is the true gold, in terms of early development and trajectory setting, it’s not just the number of words a kid hears. We’ve spent years admiring that important research re: word count, and this adds nicely to it. Cool.

A little family of alarming tech things, now. First, a piece from Richard Freed about the tech industry’s psychological war on kids, next an expansion on one of the ideas therein, about the science of persuasion in app design, and finally an article from Stuff to put it all in a real-life, actual-human context (thanks Stats Geek).

And I end with a massive gift – the coolest and most inspiring thing I’ve read in a while, about a longitudinal adult health study at Harvard. “Good genes are nice, but joy is better”. Oh, hell yes!! x x x

joy. ease.

Posted on February 13, 2018 by Miriam McCaleb

Kia Ora geeks.

Those are my words du semain … the concepts I’m looking for in decisions great and small. How do I increase joy? And can I find ease in this? Amazing what it does to a day.

I will increase joy if I can share some links with y’all before cooking a nutritious dinner for my peeps. So here they come …

First, from the Atlantic, an article about the complex lives of babies. Blank slates they are not! Next, from Slate, a review of a book which encourages parents to consider a more German method of parenting (ie, let them roam!). I appreciate that the review acknowledges the conundrum for folk who consider a parenting method which sits well outside of their own cultural norms. Ouchie.

Here is a 20 minute interview from RNZ National’s Jessie Mulligan, about the science of perfect timing. INTERESTING. And HOORAY for the rise of the ol’ fashioned board game! I’m in!

This is cool, from Harvard Medical School. “Nature, meet nurture!”.

And an excellent perspective from the NY Times about teens and sexuality and pressure and sexism and the need to talk to both boys and girls, instead of just holding the girls responsible. It’d be easier for girls to resist sending nude pictures if boys didn’t ask in the first place! Right on!

link slam

Posted on February 1, 2018 by Miriam McCaleb

Here we go … cos I’ve gotta go meet the school bus in a jiff, but I’ve also gotta share links with my geeky pals.

Nice article here about treating children with respect, and now won’t you behold this splendid long read from the Guardian about the diabolical genius of the baby advice industry. (hehe)

This is an interesting paper about education and the 4th industrial revolution (ie tech) and I simply love the pushback against neoliberalism. Says the woman who had to pay for fees at university when her parents’ generation did not.

Here is a summary of the AAP’s screen time recommendations for children under 6, and it sure as heck does not include social media for kids. Tim Cook from Apple gets it, while Mark Zuckerberg clearly does not. Please sign this petition to tell him that you reckon Facebook for 5 year olds is a crap idea. In fact, if you wanna, you could go ahead and use this awesome resource for creating a family screen time action plan.

Some cool stuff now: a post about the joy of making do (OH! I get this! Love!), here is an awesome paper about doing good to feel good, and now from the NY Times, a piece about the benefits of having a purpose in life.

How about some amazing birth photos? Thanks OHbaby. Last one, cos little girl is home and we need to hang out. This is a crazy article from our hot NZ summer about how parents are so distracted by their flippin cell phones that kids are drowning. For the love of everything that’s holy. Turn the sucker off when poolside!

new year, new links

Posted on January 14, 2018 by Miriam McCaleb

Image result for felt nz bubbles

Highlight of the summer thus far: giant bubbles. (thanks, Bubbleon)

Sisters! Brothers! Geeks of all breadths and hues … welcome.

This geek has been attempting something akin to a holiday … a staycation, in the modern vernacular. I’d like to pretend it’s been all drinks-with-umbrellas and joyful laughter, but the truth is much crunchier than that. I’d love to be a fly on the wall of other homes, to see what happens when nobody’s watching. Are other mothers as grouchy as I? Do other husbands retreat to their devices as quickly as mine? Are other 5 year olds as swift to dissolve into rage as my daughter is? And what of the other teens? Are their eyerolls as accomplished?

I do believe that it’s too easy for us to imagine the best of others and the worst of ourselves, when the more useful thing would be to offer the same compassion to ourselves (and our spouses, our children, heck … even our slow-to-mature potato plants!) that we routinely offer to others.

You know what helps me? Yoga. January means 30 days of yoga with Adriene. I’ve done 3 of these challenges before, and they are DIVINE. This year is no exception. Check ‘er out here. LOVE YOU, ADRIENE kiss kiss x x x I’m up to day 12 and finding such joy.

Anyway, alongside my attempts at holidaying, the year thus far has been a time to work on getting ducks in a row for the new year. I have study in my future, research to do, issues that I’d like to sit and stare at. I need to think deeply for weeks at a time. The trickiness emerges when us mamas have hopes for our lives beyond parenting (be it work, advocacy, study, training of one kind or another) and then parenting rises up – daily, repeatedly, at least a half dozen times already during this itty bitty post.

The constancy of interruption in my life is one of the consistencies thereof. Irony! Hi! How’s it going?

And listen: the fight for our own attention is one of the reasons I continue to oxygenate the battle against the dominance of the screens, especially with regards to our kids. Please: behold this webinar “Screen Time & Family Relationships“, brought to you by the Children’s Screen Time Action Network, and starring Dr. Richard Freed. I watched it live (ok, I put some laundry away as well …I’m still working to break the multitasking habit, oK?) but watch it NOW! And join the Network, it’s free.

Other links, then I’m off down the river with my peeps.

The same beautiful peeps who challenge and berate and INTERRUPT me. I will try to find something new in each of them, today. Esther Perel would insist!

This is from Zero to Three, and it’s some sobering data about how little most people report to know about early brain development. Still got work to do, homies. Speaking of work to do, this is one take on the early childhood education scene in NZ at the mo. Factory Farms. Sigh.

Here is a link from Mothering, describing Pope Francis and his healthy attitude to breastfeeding. And this is a link to an article I wrote for OHbaby! a while back. Did I tell yiz about the most recent issue and the work I did in there? Might have to share that laters. That is a special magazine, y’know. The calibre of editors is second to none!

As we put the final shovels of earth onto the grave of 2017, I must acknowledge the beauty of this writing by Emily Writes for the Spinoff (so good) on the subject of parenting at Christmas time. I tried to create a similar type of comradery the previous Christmas, just with different words y’know. And as January chugs along, I once again wish to raise a toast to the kin keepers, because we are sorting school uniforms, assessing the state of the 1B4’s (how many can be reused? How many must be bought?) and sniffing lunchboxes. Repairing zips on backpacks, stocking up on socks. Unseen. Undervalued.

Is it any wonder we can get a bit worn down and cynical, hmmm?

If you ain’t feeling the new year, check out these 5 ways to get motivated. If you can muster the enthusiasm to click the link, that is.

www.baby.geek.nz

Category Archives: gratitude